Your Toddler: A Stranger In A Strange Land

Your Toddler: A Stranger in a Strange Land By Cornelia Lockitch

What do you see when you observe your toddler's behavior?

If you're like most parents, you tend to see one of two things: Your child is either cooperating or being difficult, playing nicely or being naughty. Accordingly, you either endorse what she's doing ("Great job!") or bring out your disciplinary tone with the purpose of setting things right ("Sally, you have to SHARE!").

What is it like from your child's perspective? Everything in this world is relatively new to her. Yes, she may have used sidewalk chalk before and eaten many meals before--but compared to the life experience of an adult, she is completely new to EVERYTHING.

In many ways, a toddler is like a visitor in a foreign land. He does not know the customs. He cannot anticipate how he might offend the locals. His judgment is impaired by his lack of information and experience.

You, his parent, are his trusted guide in that foreign land. May your attitude be a gracious, "Let me show you how to..." and "This is the way we...." You are his interpreter and guide, not his critic or police officer.

The first step in understanding how to handle your child is to understand your child--to be able to see in his actions, not misbehavior to be punished or condemned, but manifestations of his need to learn.

Here are three aspects of child development to keep in mind as you become that gracious guide:

1. Your toddler needs to experience doing something many, many times before she can really grasp and respond to what your words mean.

You already know that you spend a good part of your day redirecting your child in some form or other. In the beginning, every time you redirect your child with WORDS, you must quickly follow up with what you mean in ACTION. "Let's put all the raisins that are on the floor into the trash," and then together you pick them up and throw them out.

2. A toddler's ability to tell herself to do one thing as opposed to another is still forming.

Even after your toddler has an idea of the right way to behave, she may not yet have the will power to choose that way consistently. You might hear yourself saying for the third time, "Use sidewalk chalk on the ground, not the patio furniture," and wonder to yourself, "Doesn't she know that yet?" The degree to which she can consciously direct herself can be tenuous at best--especially when one alternative is more tempting or much easier than another.

She may KNOW, but she can't always make herself DO. Her mind wanders, and often she simply forgets.

3. A toddler is just developing mastery over his movements.

His hands and feet do not always do what he tells them to; he must think about it more directly than you or I. Again, by his own will and the growing dexterity of his body, his mind must be brought to focus on the task he's trying to accomplish. A guideline like "Steer your tricycle in a straight line" or "Keep your food on your plate" must be viewed as a goal to strive for, not a hard-and-fast rule.

What may look to adults like misbehavior or defiance is often actually a display of ignorance, a still-developing will, and uncontrolled movements.

Young children don't know how and can't always choose correctly, but they want to learn. Our job is to show them how and also not to stand in their way as they repeat and make their discoveries part of themselves.

This is the approach that Italian educator Maria Montessori advocated and implemented in her educational method.

In a Montessori preschool classroom, one of the key sets of activities is called "The Exercises of Practical Life." The goal of Practical life exercises is to enable the child to learn the manners and daily activities of his culture, easing him of the difficulties of being a stranger in a strange land.

Practical Life includes exercises of Grace and Courtesy (etiquette), Care of Self (how to wash hands, tie shoes, etc.), and Care of the Environment ("environment" in the Montessori sense means the setting in which the child lives, not necessarily outdoor green space).

In the next issue of the Guide Your Child parenting e-newsletter, look for more on Practical Life, its purpose, and its importance in the healthy development of young children.

Parenting educator Cornelia Lockitch, M.Ed., helps moms to delight in their child's early years by giving them a practical framework for understanding, talking to, and guiding their young child. She holds diplomas in Montessori education for the primary and elementary age groups from the Association Montessori Internationale (AMI), as well as a Master's degree in Education from Loyola College in Maryland.

Cornelia is available for parenting education via one-on-one phone coaching and engaging lectures to your child's school, local moms' group, or community event. Email her at Info@GuideYourChild.com.

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